Let's see here...first of all I'd like to pat myself on the back for writing TWO blogs in ONE day! My sister Leslie encouraged me to keep up on my blog...she likes reading it. I think the only reason she likes reading it is because it makes her happy to know her little sister is WAY crazier than her!! ;) Love ya Les!
Now, for a little background info. on myself. I starting having "boyfriends" in middle school. Most lasted a few weeks. It was the passing notes in class, holding hands in the hallway, meeting up at the skating rink once in awhile type of boyfriends. In highschool I actually started going on dates with my boyfriends. A normal boyfriend for me would last anywhere between 24 hours & 7 days. LOL-I didn't like the commitment or someone having a say over what I could or couldn't do. Then I met my ex-husband. I dated Chad for longer than anyone I'd ever dated...2 1/2 years before getting married. OBVIOUSLY that didn't last and after 2 years we sepearated and divorced. Since Chad I have dated a total of 3 men and only 1 of those men did I even let myself be interested in seriously. I was sooo hurt by the divorce that it was easier for me to put up a gaurd and not let anyone in. During this guarded period I've observed A LOT of my friends' relationships and relationships in general. I am by NO means a relationship expert but I hope these tips can help newly weds, engagees, and or struggling couples!! :)
1. COMMUNICATE!! It sounds easy but most couples don't. It's not so hard to tell your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee "Hey, I had a bad day sweetie. I just need some time to wind down, okay?" That is just a simple example, but instead of stating or COMMUNICATING what's going on couples tend to give eachother the cold shoulder or are grumpy to their love which in turn makes the other person feel down and get upset. If you don't communicate your love can take your actions or emotions completely the wrong way which only turns into future prolems or misunderstandings.
2. Be HONEST!! Remember that saying "Honesty is the Best Policy?"...well they were right. Honesty goes along with communicating. Lying or beating around the bush is easier sometimes, but just for that moment. Eventually the truth will come out and it can completely damage the relationship. Although being truthful might not sound like a "good" idea, it is sooo much better to know the truth about something when it happens instead of finding out from someone else.
3. USE KIND WORDS!! Maybe your main squeeze is wearing something eh, not so attractive, use common sense!! DO NOT blurt out "OMG, is that what your wearing?!" Instead use constructive critisism such as "Oh, I was hoping you'd wear this shirt...it looks so good on you!" That's obviously a kindergarden example but simply stating things in a positive way can help you avoid sooo many unneccesary arguments. There are of course times that you might be in a bad mood or in a rush and blurt things out in a mean/degrading/or rude manner. Don't beat yourself up about it later....mend the situation right then. Say your sorry for being rude/mean/degrading and explain that you are just in a rush or that you had a bad day or whatever the case may be.
4. PICK YOUR BATTLES!! I have seen soooo many couples fight over the dumbest things! My ex-hubby & I fought over EVERYTHING!! We fought over the normal money troubles but then we fought over who would drive, what car to take, how to correctly set a table...literally the dumbest things EVER! There are times that your love is going to get under your skin or drive ya nutso some days but pick your battles wisely! I don't think putting the toilet seat down is a valid battle nor is what kind of pasta sauce he/she picked out. Those are things that ya learn to live with! If the whole toilet seat thing bothers you then address it when you aren't snappy...ask nicely..and ya know what if he forgets time and time again I don't think it will kill ya to put it down yourself. Or boys how about when your love leaves out tampons or pads?? Trust me, that time of the month for us isn't all roses! It wouldn't kill ya to just put the tampons/pads away yourself, would it? Its simple and dumb things like those examples that so many couples argue about! That brings me to number 5...
5. ONCE BATTLES ARE PICKED...BATTLE THEM OUT IN PRIVATE!! This is a HUGE pet peave of mine: Arguing in front of family, friends, crap even the store cashier doesn't want to hear you arguing!! It makes people feel uncomfortable and ansy. Although, you might have a valid point at that moment...save it for later! Most likely if you save the "valid point" for later you will have cooled off and realized it might not be a good battle to pick! :) Another thing that kills me is when couples argue in front of their children. No matter what age the child is, it's tough for them to comprehend what you are arguing about and all they see is anger. Just keep your "battles" in private, with the only people they involve!
6. BE AFFECTIONATE!! Now for those of you that know me well, I'm not affectionate! Over the years though I have learned that just a simple hug or a peck on the cheeck can make your love's day, week, or even year (I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU!! lol-sorry I had to do it!!) Seriously though, the most recent guy I dated has been the most affectionate by far! There were times I had had a bad day, walked through his door, and automatically he gave me a hug and it made me feel like I was special to him. Or a simple kiss before he/she leaves for work. It's little things like that that most couples tend to forget about after being together for so long. When I was little I thought it was yucky to see my dad give my mom a kiss under the mistletoe or before he leaves for a simple church meeting...now I realize how important simple affection can be!
7. GIVE & GIVE!! Have you ever been in a relationship where you constantly feel like you are giving anc giving and giving but your love is never giving back to you?? I think some of the most successfull relationships I've observed are ones where both people are giving. I'm not just talking about material things either. Give your man his "guy time" when he wants to watch football and in turn run your girl a bath once in a while. When you are constantly giving back to eachother no one feels like they are being taken advantage of or left out.
8. SACRIFICE!! I'll be the first one to say I'm extremely selfish but when you decide to be in a relationship, ya have to sacrifice for eachother! There are times that I didn't want to watch a golf tournament on T.V. but if it meant spending time with my babe I didn't complain and I SACRIFICED my time to watch golf. There are times that men DON'T want to watch a Lifetime movie but they SACRIFICE their pride for an hour or two to make you happy. Those are basic examples but how about the big ones such as missing a night out with the guys to stay at home with your ill girl. Or not going to the salon to get your hair or nails done in order to save the money to get your honey something nice for his b-day. There are so many things you can sacrifice for eachother just because you can! :) Always make sure it's a sacrifice/sacrifice relationship though. Nobody wants to sacrifice for their love all the time with no sacrificing on their side.
9. SMILE!! There are have been times that I literally wanted to yell my brains out about something stupid my ex did. But instead I smiled. I learned to smile or laugh off steam that was non productive. What if your love is bringing over speghetti to the table, trips on his/her shoelace, and drops sketti everywhere what is your first reaction? Most people's would be OMG, what the hell are we going to do for dinner? Now I have to go clean the carpet...blah, blah, blah. Instead, smile..ask if he/she is okay. Laugh it off. Smiling eases the tention or embarrasment. Try it sometime!
10. TRUST UNTIL GIVEN REASON NOT TO!! This one is simple...if you go into a relationship with someone not trusting them: IT WON'T WORK! Trust your love until their is reason not to! :)
Like I said before, I'm not the love guru! Those 10 statements of advice are coming from a complete relationship failure!! LOL-But observing has made me wise and I learn from my mistakes. Hope you enjoyed! :) I have a job interview tomorrow so I'm headed to bed...wish me luck! ~ciao ciao~
Wow Caitlin!
ReplyDeleteAwesome advice. Seems like common sense, doesn't it? However, we have to be reminded more than we have to be taught something new. Thanks for the reminders!
And don't ever refer to your relationship as a failure. All relationships whether positive or negative are simply learning experiences. And it sounds like you succeeded in learning a lot through your marriage! When the time is right I hope you get to implement all that you learned with a guy who is worthy of you!
love ya tons,
allie
Ditto what Allie said.. Your relationship might have "failed" for lack of a better term, but absolutely does not make YOU the failure.
ReplyDeleteBeing married to that dipwad taught you SOOO much you would never had otherwise known. It was a learning experience.
LOVE YOU!